depths and surfaces

the Christmas holidays are almost over and I'm lying here in my bed, 2:30 AM, listening to Beyoncé (I know, don't judge). trying to write again. I don't know why I keep trying. I like to play with words, and over the years, its expression has been coming in waves. I wish it would be one big wave, instead of small ones with a sea of time in between them. but I guess I can't help it. my "creativity" is playing games with me. honestly, I don't know if I can control it. should I try to trigger it? will it then become a forced kind of creativity, and therefore, not that real/pure anymore? buhhhh
I feel like I have something I want to express, but I don't know how. when i put a pencil in between my fingers, somehow I always feel this subconscious pressure of creating something that has to express. it kills it.

so anyway, Beyoncé. since my mom and sister got me a spotify thing for my birthday, I've been experimenting with my boundaries in music, which is really interesting. kind of accepting my guilty pleasures in music and just singing along when I'm in the shower feels good. I've been thinking a lot lately about how interesting and more vibrant music makes life (cheesy). I love when I can really put my finger on how I feel at that particular moment and what kind of music fits that moment. I love singing, I wish I could sing a lot better so other people would love to hear me sing too, but ok that ain't gonna happen gurl. I think in general lately I've been accepting my guilty pleasures in life, not just when it comes to music. I'm talking about the smallest things, but I feel like on a whole they really make me a different person. like I've actually been wearing make up lately and been interested in it. which is crazy compared to a couple of years ago where I was morally against makeup (teen trying to make a statement yesss). my clothing style has become less crazy in a way too. I hope I'm not becoming a gray blurb slowly but surely.

Lately I've really been wanting to go. just out of this country and out of high school and all the usual daily life surroundings. especially when I'm riding my bike late at night  and I'm listening to music, I really get the feeling of wanting to just leave and experience new things and meet new people and breathe in the air of somewhere unknown. money sux maybe I should take a science course and cook meth and become a drug dealer so I can finally just go on this trip (I've been watching a lot of breaking bad)
but for now I'll stay right here in this a-ma-zing village and save up money