almost a year later

it's 23:39 and i feel like i'm in one of those waves again, it feels good, going with the flow. i'm listening to the xx, their voices are so sweet and soft. in some way they remind me of this summer, it was an amazing one to me. i did so much and met such amazing people, had the best experiences of my life and listened and danced to such amazing music. lowlands ohhhh lowlands how i miss you. already. the atmosphere was amazing, ofc it was my first festival and i believe this atmosphere exists at every festival, but lowlands ooohhh it was such an amazing time. beautiful people, faces

i met 2 german guys in barcelona, i miss them too. it's weird how you relate certain people only to a specific time and place, and you don't know if you'll ever see them again, but you share the most magical experiences. we sat near the port till 8 in the morning, with red wine and lots of guitars and people singing around us. of course we sang along. as soon as i have some money i want to go to germany and visit them, to drink more red wine and have good conversations, maybe sing a bit.

after summer i started studying art history at university in utrecht. i feel like i'm finally in the right place at the right time. the people are so sweet and funny, the city is amazing and i'm learning so much. i love what i learn now, i love to read and talk about it. even been looking for a room in utrecht a little bit, because all my classmates and just being a student in general make me really excited for it. i feel some pressure on my shoulders (all me- not pressured by others) to leave the house. my mom will be alone, i'm the last one to leave, which just gives me a weird feeling. bittersweet

till nex time x

the Christmas holidays are almost over and I'm lying here in my bed, 2:30 AM, listening to Beyoncé (I know, don't judge). trying to write again. I don't know why I keep trying. I like to play with words, and over the years, its expression has been coming in waves. I wish it would be one big wave, instead of small ones with a sea of time in between them. but I guess I can't help it. my "creativity" is playing games with me. honestly, I don't know if I can control it. should I try to trigger it? will it then become a forced kind of creativity, and therefore, not that real/pure anymore? buhhhh
I feel like I have something I want to express, but I don't know how. when i put a pencil in between my fingers, somehow I always feel this subconscious pressure of creating something that has to express. it kills it.

so anyway, Beyoncé. since my mom and sister got me a spotify thing for my birthday, I've been experimenting with my boundaries in music, which is really interesting. kind of accepting my guilty pleasures in music and just singing along when I'm in the shower feels good. I've been thinking a lot lately about how interesting and more vibrant music makes life (cheesy). I love when I can really put my finger on how I feel at that particular moment and what kind of music fits that moment. I love singing, I wish I could sing a lot better so other people would love to hear me sing too, but ok that ain't gonna happen gurl. I think in general lately I've been accepting my guilty pleasures in life, not just when it comes to music. I'm talking about the smallest things, but I feel like on a whole they really make me a different person. like I've actually been wearing make up lately and been interested in it. which is crazy compared to a couple of years ago where I was morally against makeup (teen trying to make a statement yesss). my clothing style has become less crazy in a way too. I hope I'm not becoming a gray blurb slowly but surely.

Lately I've really been wanting to go. just out of this country and out of high school and all the usual daily life surroundings. especially when I'm riding my bike late at night  and I'm listening to music, I really get the feeling of wanting to just leave and experience new things and meet new people and breathe in the air of somewhere unknown. money sux maybe I should take a science course and cook meth and become a drug dealer so I can finally just go on this trip (I've been watching a lot of breaking bad)
but for now I'll stay right here in this a-ma-zing village and save up money

131212

i have made this blog because i've been feeling like i wanted to post more personal photos on a website for a while. i am planning to make this my photo diary (as cheesy as it may sound), these days everyone feels the need to share their photos, even though others aren't actually that interested in them. this is just for them to be on the internet, which is a weird thought but a mild craving. i am not looking for reactions or views, this is just to share with nobody.

listening to music sometimes feels like a repetitive circle to me. i usually have moods for specific musicians and then listen to them for about a month, maybe two. these are in my extreme repetitive circle for now:

• purity ring
• fink
• the 'singles' playlist on my ipod (contains eliphino, burial & four tet, SBTRKT, the xx and koreless)

there's also musicians that i can always listen to and that have a special place in my heart (dramatic)

• bon iver

music is seasonal for me though. when i start listening to something in winter, that music will always be winter music to me (same with summer/spring/autumn of course). damien rice and foals are winter to me. explosions in the sky is october (not a season but u know wa im saying), and i just realized most of the music i listen to is winter music. no christmas songs though!!

 

i was doubting if i would write in dutch or english. i guess i will write dutch poems every once in a while but i don't know if they'll be on this blog. 

today i went to Gouda to check out the new H&M (Gouda is quite boring but now it has an H&M) and i bought some things. i admit i'm a bit of a ''shopaholic'', which is a word i dislike, but i try to hold myself in because i don't want to be(come) extremely materialistic or all about appearance. i'm sure there is a line between being totally obsessed and perfectionistic with your appearance and just making sure you look a bit nice (not like a super tramp). i guess i just need to find that line. or am i over-exaggerating? sometimes i think about the things i think that i think way too much about them and that i shouldn't do because i'm worrying over nothing but at the same time it seems to be important to me, to find these things out or at least discuss them with myself. in my head.

so anyway, i went to the H&M and didn't expect it to be as big as it is. Gouda has small shops usually because it has the small dutch buildings (google it). Also, the shop that used to be in that place was way smaller so i they just made it bigger. 

maybe i'll make a post about what i bought there later, i'm still not sure if i'll make this blog a ''fashion-outfit-stuff i bought'' blog because who cares what i wear/buy? i'm not sure if it's interesting enough. 

this morning on my bike ride to school, a lady cycled in front of me, then all of a sudden she hit her breaks. of course i didn't respond on time and i clashed into the ladies bike/the lady. she wasn't hurt or anything, and she apologized because she hit her breaks out of nothing, but my leg had been swollen all day, and still is. i can't sit with my legs crossed! help